Dying inside
by purplepagoda
Summary: When someone around you dies, often you feel inside that you are dying. What if Catherine lost the person she loved the most. How would she ever deal with it? She has to start over again. With someone new. Maybe this time she can be happy.
1. Death

The day her little girl was born she was sure it was a mistake. Some how she managed to get one of heaven's angels. She was such a happy little girl. She made her mother smile when her mom just wanted to shut the world out. The service was beautiful. The people were clearly numb though. They all stood around with coldly blank expressions. It was sad. The only time everyone was together was when somebody died.

Catherine lived for her daughter, she was her life. But not anymore because her daughter wasn't there anymore. Catherine stood over the coffin. Lindsey was pale and lifeless. Catherine was too numb to even cry. She ½ expected to wake up any minute and it would just be a nightmare. But it wasn't it was real. It was dark and rainy as they lay Lindsey to rest. Warrick had to stand behind Catherine to hold her up. Catherine had a blank expression on her face and was silent. She had so much anger and resentment at the world. She just wanted to scream, but she couldn't force herself to make any audible noise other than sobs. She had cried every second since it had happened.

It had been 3 days and she hadn't said a word since she saw her daughter lying on a slab in the morgue. The whole ordeal was so difficult to believe. Sara was the one who had found her. She as lying in the parking lot. She was lucky to have even made it that far. She had been beaten nearly beyond recognition there was blood everywhere. But Sara could still hear her breathing. She rushed over and scooped the lifeless 13 year old of the pavement. All she had wanted to do was find her mother. Catherine was at a scene. Sara rushed her into the building and took her to doc Robinson. By the time they got there she was barely breathing. She grabbed Sara's hand. And said just above a mumble "Tell mom to be strong," "I love her," she exhaled deeply, then she just stopped. She ceased to exist. She lie there on the morgue table. Sara screamed at the top of her lungs through tears at the doctor, "Do something," It wasn't her daughter but she knew it would give Catherine every reason for herself to quit existing.

Catherine didn't get back to the lab until an hour later everyone that was their just stood around waiting for her. The doctor had wiped off all the blood, and closed her eyes. When Catherine entered the building everyone was just standing there. None of them wanted to tell her. But she knew something was wrong by the look on their faces. Warrick went up to her. He took the evidence from her hands and handed it to Grissom. He tugged on her hand and whispered, "I need you to come with me,"

He stopped in front of the morgue doors. "Catherine please just stay calm," he says. "What's going on?" She asks in panic. He pushes the door open. She sees the usual sight. A body covered in a sheet. Warrick walks her up to the body and stands behind her as the doctor pulled the sheet down past the young girl's face. Catherine didn't say anything. She started sobbing uncontrollably as she collapsed to the ground. "My baby," she muttered as Warrick held her tightly. A death certificate had never really meant much to her. She saw them everyday, she was numb to them. They were just words written on a piece of paper. But as she was handed her only child's death certificate it was so much more than that. It was her entire reason of living taken away from her and simply summed up on a piece of paper.

She was never a quiet person, but as she stood over her daughter's grave words would still not come. She had all the support in the world, but felt lonely. She had every emotion inside of her yet felt nothing. She had no tears but cried a river. Every tear she shed in anger. She blamed everyone around her, but mainly herself. She was overwhelmed with grief, anger, and hate. She just wanted her little girl back.

Catherine would give her own life in exchange for her daughter's. Her daughter was everything to her. But as she lied in a cold grave Catherine realized she had nothing to lose but herself. It had been raining for three days. It started nearly the second Catherine found out. It was as if God knew how she felt and he was shedding tears for her. As she turns to walk away from her daughter's grave she is met by a familiar face. This familiar male face walks from his limo without saying a word. He simply meets her on the path she's walking on, and embraces her. "It'll be ok Muggs," he whispers as he hugs her tightly. That's when she snapped. Emotionally. It wouldn't be ok. Nothing would be ok ever again. Her reason for living was gone.

After the funeral Warrick takes her home. She still is speechless. When she arrives home he stays to make sure she doesn't lose it. She takes a bottle from the cabinet and unscrews the top. He sees her out of the corner of his eye. He walks up to her and takes the bottle from her hand. "This isn't the answer," he informs her, "it won't drown your sorrows." She just glares at him, and then takes the bottle back. She chugs the whole thing. She throws it on the floor and it shatters. He follows her as she goes to the couch. They both sit in silence. He goes over and embraces her tightly. She buries her head in his chest. She sobs.

"Catherine I know you feel angry right now, but if you don't let that go you'll never be able to function,"

"Angry? I'm furious. Somebody took my baby away from me. I just want to crawl into a whole and die,"

"Catherine what can I do to help you? That's all I want to do,"

"You can't help me. You can't just pick up the pieces. It isn't that simple,"

"I know that, but I don't want you to give up on life because of this,"

"Why does it matter if I do? No one cares,"

"That isn't true. Everyone around you cares,"

"But you don't,"

"Of course I care,"

"Just not enough," Catherine fumes as all of her frustrations pile up.

"I care more than you know. Catherine I love you,"he says truthfully.

"Warrick please just go,"

"Why?"

It seems when you're angriest sometimes you say the most. Sometimes you can't help and pour your heart out.

"I just lost my daughter, and I'd rather nip this relationship in the bud,"

"What are you talking about?"

"All I ever wanted was a happy family. And over the years I realized I wanted you to be part of it. But you're married so that part will never happen. And my daughter is gone so I don't have a family,"

"Catherine I never knew you felt that way about me,"

"Yes you did. But then you went and got married. I love you, and you don't love me because you stay with wife. If you cared about at all you never would have married her,"

"Things between Tina and I are pretty much over,"

"Don't lie to me,"

"I'm not. When I left the house this morning I took my belongings and left my ring. I can't be with someone I don't love. Life is to precious to wait for the right time. Catherine I left her. I love someone else,"

"Yeah and who would that be?" Catherine rages on in tears.

"You,"

She beats her fists on his chest a couple of times and screams at him "Why couldn't you have told me that before,"

"I'm sorry," he whispers as he holds her closely.

He knows she needs to be distracted. As he holds her tightly he begins to kiss her. She begins kissing him back through all her tears. She straddles him on the couch. Catherine always functioned the best when she was angry, or she had nothing to lose. This was one of those times. She was so angry. The entire time she cried tears of anger. She was angry at the whole world, and she just needed to escape.


	2. Life

The following morning she woke up and he was lying next to her in bed. She thought that she should savor the moment, because soon he'd have to leave, and go back to his wife. He rolled over and put his arm around her tightly. She felt so safe when she was with him. Too bad it couldn't stay like this. She fell back to sleep. And when she woke up he was still there. By this time the sun was shining brightly in the window. She scooted closer to him. She stared up at him. He opened his eyes and stared back.

"What?" He asked sensing she had something on her mind.

"What time is it?"

"Why does it matter?"

"Don't you have to go?"

"No. I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to stay here with you,"

"But... Tina,"

"It's over between us,"

"Are you sure? Because I can't handle it if you're not,"

"I'm with you now. I don't want to be with anyone, but you,"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Will you just go back to sleep?"

She cuddles up to him, and falls back asleep. This time when she wakes up he's gone. She figures that it's over. She decides to take a shower. When she goes into the bathroom the shower is already on. Warrick pokes his head out of the shower.

"I'm almost done,"

"It's ok," she smiles as she goes back to her room.

Slowly with Warrick's help Catherine comes to terms with the loss of her daughter. He's patient with her and makes sure that she's not in hysterics every time he turns around. Finally after about a month she decides to go back to work. Catherine eventually learns to shut off at work, in order to deal with difficult cases. All she wants is for things to be normal again. But it isn't. People always flash her fake smiles, and half hearted grins. Just as things begin to get back on the right track a little announcement sends her off the edge. Even before Lindsey died it was clear that there was something more going on between Sara and Gil. Catherine was one of the first to notice. After she got back to work she was the only one to notice the matching wedding bands they had on. She didn't have to ask she knew what happened. It had been a few months since she had returned to work. One day she was in the break room with Greg, and Warrick. When Sara, and Grissom came in they were both smiling.

"What's going on you two?" Greg asked.

"We have an announcement to make," Sara answers.

"We're married," Gil declares.

Catherine can't quite figure out just why they're telling all of them this now. But then in the next sentence her question is answered.

"And I'm pregnant," Sara grins.

Catherine takes about a second to react. She just leaves. Warrick goes to find her. He finds her sitting in the locker room. Crying. He sits down next to her and hugs her.

"What happened?"

"I don't know,"

"Yes you do. What's going on?"

"I couldn't help but think about when I found out I was pregnant with Lindsey. I wish I could have been as happy as Sara. By then I already knew that my marriage was in trouble. The last thing I wanted was a kid. It's my fault,"

"What's your fault?"

"Everything. It was karma. I didn't want her, so I was punished. I mean after a while I wanted her. But I know this is a punishment. I thought I could never love anyone as much. Most teenagers annoyed the crap out of me. But not her. So then when I needed her the most, she got taken from me,"

"Catherine it isn't your fault that Lindsey died,"

"Yes it is. For that. And that I never had time for her because of work. I was never there to protect her. So when she needed me I couldn't help her. Because I wasn't there. I was never there. It was all my fault. I don't have anyone to blame but myself,"

"Catherine that isn't true. Don't blame yourself. It wasn't your fault,"

"How do you know?"

"Because I know you,"

"I won't ever get to hold my daughter again, and it's my own fault,"

He grabs her face and turns it toward his.

"Look at me," he demands. "Would I lie to you?"

"I don't know,"

"Catherine this wasn't your fault. Stop it. If you keep blaming yourself, eventually it will be your fault... for wasting your life away. What is this? Pity party table for one? This isn't you. You're so much stronger than this. Stop it. You have to continue to live. I know you don't want to, but you don't have a choice. Just because you lost Lindsey, doesn't mean that you can stop living,"

"Why not?"

"Because you're too beautiful of a person to hate yourself so much. Anger is a good color on you. Don't do this to yourself. You'll drive yourself crazy,"

He left it at that. He let her leave knowing she was still angry.

When he got home she was waiting for him. He held her for as long as he could. He wasn't going to let her go. Not this time. He loved her too much. He just wanted to comfort her. He wanted to give her anything she needed. He wanted to figure out a way to fix it. As he held her she cried. She felt safe, but she felt scared at the same time. She just wanted her baby back. Her little girl. She needed something to pull her out of this. It had been months since her little girl had died. All she wanted was just one more moment. If she couldn't have her back that was all she wanted. One more day, maybe then she'd be satisfied. The thought of it made her sick. It made her sick to her stomach. She thought about Lindsey all the time, therefore she felt sick all the time. It had made her sick for some time. It just kept getting worse. She could hide it at first because it wasn't that bad. But now she felt sick all the time. She wiggled out of Warrick's arms and ran to the bathroom. He could hear her as he started up the stairs. When he reached the bedroom the bathroom door was locked. He knocked hoping she'd answer him.

"Catherine are you ok in there?"

She wasn't. She felt so sick. She ended up spending half the night in there. Then part of the following morning. Her stomach was empty, her mind was full, and her heart was hollow. Warrick of all people was aware of this.

"Catherine why don't you go to the doctor. Maybe he can prescribe you something," Warrick suggests that morning after she gets cleaned up.

"There isn't anything he can give me,"

"Will you just go see? Please? It would make me feel better. And maybe it would make you feel better in some way too,"

"I..."

"Please,"

"Fine,"


	3. Starting over

The doctor was able to fit her in the following day. She sat in his office waiting for him. He finally came in.

"What's the problem Miss Willows?"

"I've been sick lately,"

"Sick how?"

"To my stomach. The most unpleasing kind. Any way Warrick, my boyfriend suggested that I see you. My daughter..."

"I heard. I'm incredibly sorry for your loss,"

"And anyway he thought maybe you could give me something for it. I don't know what, but I'll try anything,"

"It may not be that, it could be caused by a number of things. So before I give you anything for it I'd like to do some tests to make sure it isn't something viral, or bacterial,"

"Ok, thank you,"

The doctor draws some blood collects some swabs, and then dismisses Catherine.

A few days later Catherine isn't feeling any better, but she continues to go to work. As she's collecting evidence on a scene her phone rings. She pauses from what she's doing to answer her phone.

"Willows," which is her usual answer. Normally Grissom calls her while she's on the scene. But it isn't Grissom this time.

"Miss Willows this is Doctor Alexander,"

"Oh hi,"

"Miss Willows is it possible for you to come in today?"

"I'm on a case I probably won't be done until way after your office is closed,"

"Ok then can you come in tomorrow?"

"Yeah I can try,"

"Ok I'll see you whenever you can make it then,"

"Ok bye,"

The following day she finishes around 11 in the morning. She cleans up, changes and then goes to the doctor's office.

The doctor's office: Catherine walks up to the receptionists office.

"I'm here to see doctor Alexander,"

"Do you have an appointment?"

"No, he told me to come in whenever I could today,"

The doctor walks up behind the receptionist.

"It's ok Jane I'll see her now,"

"Ok,"

"Follow me,"

Catherine follows him to his office. She sits down across from him wondering what could be so important that he'd call her to his office to tell her.

"Well Miss Willows I have good news, and I have bad news,"

"Tell me the bad news first,"

"There's nothing I can do about your nausea,"

"I didn't figure. So what's the good news?"

"There isn't anything wrong with you,"

"Why couldn't you tell me this over the phone?"

"There's more,"

"Good news or bad news?"

"Good news. This is something I prefer to tell my patients face to face,"

"What exactly would that be?" Catherine probes.

"Miss Willows you're sickness isn't an emotional thing,"

"Ok?"

"The reason you're sick is because you're pregnant. I'd say at least a couple months. Close to the end of your first trimester,"

Catherine is dumbfounded she can't find words to say anything.

"I'm going to need you to come in next week so we can see where we stand,"

"Ok, Thank you," she mutters in confusion as she leaves the office.

She heads home to get some sleep before her next shift. Warrick is already asleep when she gets home, but he hears her slip into bed.

"Where were you? We got done an over an hour ago,"

"I went to the doctor. He called me and asked me to come to his office,"

"Oh. And how did everything go? Did he give you a prescription?"

"No,"

"Why not?"

"Because it isn't something that needs a prescription,"

"Is something wrong with you?"

"No,"

"Then what was so important that he had to tell you at his office?"

"I'm pregnant," Catherine whispers as she situates herself in bed.

"Oh," it takes a second for what Catherine has just said to register. "Wait what?"

"I'm pregnant,"

"Are you serious?"

"Yes,"

"Really?"

"Yeah. I wouldn't joke about something like this. I wouldn't have even thought of it,"

"We're having a baby? This great,"

"No it isn't. I don't want to be pregnant. I hate being pregnant. I'm 48 years old. I can't do this again. When the doctor told me I didn't have anything to say, I just kind of froze,"

"Catherine why are you so worried?"

"Because my daughter died. She'd be starting highschool this fall. But she's not. I don't want to start all over again,"

"Why not? You're a great mom. Catherine everything is going to be fine. We're going to have a baby. You're not starting over. You're just building on what you already have,"

"Warrick I love kids. But I don't know if I can handle having another child. I mean there are always going to be so many things in the back of my mind. I don't want to always be afraid to lose this child. Warrick anything can happen. And I don't care what anyone says lightening can strike twice. I'm just not sure I'm ready to handle this,"

"Catherine why are you so worried? Everything is going to be fine. We'll work this out. We just have to take it day by day,"

"What if we can't? What if something happens? What if something goes wrong?"

"I can't guarantee anything but we just have to wait and see,"

"I don't want to wait and see. I want to know that everything is going to be ok,"

"Why are you so worried?"

"Because I just feel like no matter what I do everything is going to fall apart. I mean your divorce isn't finalized. We're not married, and I'm having your baby. I'm always going to be afraid you'll leave, or I won't have you anymore. I can't raise this baby alone. I've done it before, and I won't do it again. I want to be a family. That's all I've ever wanted. But it just seems as if some force of nature wants to prevent that. I don't understand why just once I can't be happy,"

"I don't know. But I don't think we're going to be able to solve anything unless we get some sleep,"

"Ok,"

Things hadn't been sorted out, but feelings had been put on the table and that was a start. Warrick wanted Catherine to be happy, at least about this. He just wanted to see her smile again. He loved her. He wanted to be a family, with her. They had both made some mistakes in the past but they finally ended up close to where both of them wanted to be. At least they were with each other. It seemed as if the stars had finally aligned and people were with who they were supposed to be. But then again things could always change.


	4. One More Chance

_A/N: I am planning on uploading the rest of the chapters that I have saved from when I started this project. There are a total of 7 chapters to the story. These are not newly written, so keep that in mind. R&R._

* * *

A few days later things seemed to settle some. Catherine, and Warrick had talked things through. Although Catherine was cautious she wasn't quite as unhappy about the situation as she had been. She was beginning to see that things were going to work out. Catherine was at a scene collecting evidence with Greg. Grissom had arranged things so that no one could question the ability to focus on their jobs by making sure people with ongoing relationships didn't work together. But when it was something major that needed double the brain power, but a brain that functioned as one he appropriately paired people. On this particular day Grissom was paired with Nick, and Warrick was paired with Sara, which left Catherine to be paired with Greg. Greg was across the room collecting evidence when he came across something he wanted Catherine's opinion on.

"Catherine can you come over here please?"

"Sure?"

"What do you make of this?" Greg asks as he points to blood spatter on the wall.

"There's a void in the spatter,"

"I've never seen a void like that,"

Before Catherine can answer Greg she begins having sharp pains. Just as she gets ready to answer him she doubles over in pain.

"Catherine are you ok?" Greg asks her in concern.

"I need a minute Greg,"

"Ok,"

She calls Nick who is currently in the lab to come out to the scene. She doesn't really tell him what's going on, other than the fact that there's an emergency and she has to leave. Nick arrives not long after, and she drives herself to the hospital. By the time she gets into the emergency room the pain makes it so she can barely walk. They immediately give her a bed, and send her a doctor. Doctor Alexander just happens to be there.

"Catherine what's wrong?"

"I don't know,"

"Are you having some sort of pain,"

"Uh huh,"

The doctor tries to keep her talking. He notices that she's bleeding. But he tries to keep her from noticing.

"What's happening?"

"I'm going to start an I.V. with some pain medication," the doctor lied. He started an I.V. but only so he could knock her out. He knew what was happening. She didn't. The baby had stopped growing. Her body was trying to miscarry but it couldn't. He did an ultra sound to see what was going on exactly. He managed to get ahold of Warrick. He made sure Warrick knew what was going on. Then he took Catherine into surgery to remove the fetus. Normally he wouldn't have to remove the fetus, the body would do it by itself, but for some reason Catherine's body hadn't. He updated Warrick on the situation, after he sent Catherine into recovery.

"Warrick can I speak with you please?"

"Yes,"

"I didn't want to say anything earlier, because I couldn't be sure on how things were going to go. We removed the fetus. But there's something you need to know,"

"Were there complications?"

"No everything went fine. I did an ultrasound before the surgery,"

"Yeah and?"

"Catherine was carrying twins,"

"Oh,"

"The other twin was healthy. We didn't have to remove it,"

"So she's still pregnant?"

"Yes, but we have to watch her closely for the next few days to make sure that she doesn't miscarry the second baby. She's going to be unconscious for a while. We can probably tell what's going to happen with the other baby by the time she wakes up,"

"Ok,"

The doctor was right. The medication wore off after about a day, but Catherine continued to sleep due to the stress the surgery had put on her body. She woke up about 3 days after she had been admitted to the hospital. Warrick was sitting next to her when she woke up. She opened her eyes and stared at him for a while.

"Hey," Warrick smiles.

"What happened? How long have you been here? How long have I been here,"

"One question at a time. You've been here for three days, so have I,"

"What happened?"

Warrick doesn't want to tell her. He knows what it'll do to her.

"Uh I'm not sure you really want to know,"

"Yes I do. Tell me what happened,"

"You miscarried the baby,"

"No," she begins to cry. He tries to console her. He tries to hold her. But she pushes him away.

"No don't touch me," she cries.

"Catherine don't do this,"

"This isn't fair. After everything why can't one thing go right?"

Before Warrick can say anything more the doctor comes in. As soon as he walks in he can tell that Warrick has already told Catherine the bad news. He walks over to her bed and waits a few seconds for her to calm down some.

"Catherine we need to discuss something," the doctor informs her.

"I already know. I don't want to talk about it,"

"It's about something else,"

"I don't care. I don't care. I don't want to hear anything else,"

"Yes you do, you want to hear this," Warrick assures her.

"What else could I possibly want to hear? I just want to be left alone,"

"Miss Willows you were carrying twins,"

"So I miscarried twins? Why would you tell me that?"

"You only miscarried one baby. You're still pregnant. From the looks of things everything with that baby is fine. The baby is healthy, but I want to keep you here for a while to make sure things stay that way,"

"How long?"

"For the rest of the week,"

"I doubt that anything else will happen. I'm really surprised that you miscarried the first baby because you're already into you're second trimester,"

"What?"

"Miss Willows you're about 4 months pregnant,"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes,"

"The reason I came up here was to check on you, but I'd like to do an ultrasound,"

Catherine is visibly reluctant. The doctor tells her that everything is going to be fine. Finally she agrees to let him do an ultrasound. She holds Warrick's hand tightly as the doctor does an ultrasound. He has to be extremely careful because although he's taken the stitches out from the surgery it could still be painful. The doctor studies the screen for awhile before turning it around for Catherine, and Warrick to see. He turns on the volume so they can hear the baby's heartbeat.

"See there's nothing to worry about," the doctor reassures her. "You have a beautiful and healthy baby,"

"You say that, but how do you know that something isn't going to happen?"

"The baby is fine. As long as you're careful not to over do it you'll be fine,"

"Are you sure?" Catherine asks.

"Catherine you heard the doctor you'll be fine," Warrick reassures her.

"While I'm here do you want to know what the baby is?"

"What do you mean?" Warrick asks.

"Do you want to know the gender of the baby?"

"No," Catherine says definitively.

"I want to,"

"I can tell you,"

"Ok,"

"Come outside and I'll tell you,"

"Ok,"

Warrick follows the doctor outside the room.

"So?"

"You're having a little boy,"

"Thank you,"

Warrick rushes back into the room to be with Catherine with a huge smile on his face.

"Warrick you know that this may happen again,"

"Catherine if you keep telling yourself things are going to end up badly they will,"


End file.
